A Listening Post

I want to speak from my perspective as a parent of two college students (a sophomore and a senior) about a subject that I think many parents confront all too frequently, that is, when to listen and when to intervene when son or daughter calls. It seems that over this past week and a half, my wife, Suzanne, and I have received phone calls (many stressed and tearful), e-mails, and text messages from the kids as they attempt to register for next semester’s classes while completing the present term. The hardest part for me is to know when I just need to listen and let the kids vent, when to offer advice, and when, and if, we should intervene.

In my daughter’s case, her calls centered around securing her final semester of classes that she needs to graduate and finding that those classes are closed. In her emotional calls, each coming in the middle of one of my busy days, she would report something to the effect that the “powers that be” were unwilling or unable to help. Now, being in university administration, I have learned that not everything I hear is exactly as it was related and so I need to be careful accepting everything my daughter (who I love dearly) says to be gospel. Yet, I also find myself getting caught up emotionally in the exchange and wanting to make things right (to ease her pain) and in the event that it would take longer to complete her coursework to ease our (mostly financial) pain, as well.

Wanting to and needing to are two very different things and in the balance much rests. There are important lessons for her to learn and victories to be experienced in negotiating a difficult, but reasonable resolution. After all, these complications are the “stuff of life.” Jumping in, at least too soon, eases her pain, but shields her from the opportunity to experience the joy and satisfaction of knowing that she was able to work it out. The most powerful lessons of life are not the easiest lessons at the moment. So listening and offering a few words of advice has distinct benefits. And, if it gets to the point of there not being a “reasonable” resolution, then I can reserve the option of stepping in and trying my hand at finding one. I know, however, the minute I do, the ante rises and the return to my daughter diminishes.

Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is patiently biting my tongue, coaching my children, and trusting that things will work out.